Honest Christmas List

Christmas is just days away. When my family asked what I wanted I said only, "Pay some of my student loans." (Because why should I be held responsible for how much I spent on a inefficacious* education?)
But if I had to be honest with myself, this is my Christmas list:

1) A direction in life
Since graduating college all I've done is wonder if every decision I make is leading toward a penniless, unfulfilling future. I want fame, money, and media attention. Really I wish I was Jay-Z.

2) Car
Something small and modest. Or something for which I don't have to pay insurance. Literally anything other than public transportation. Though every bike I've owned has been stolen. Probability says I'd have the same luck with a car.

3) Perpetual, immaculate orgasm
No mess, just the best feeling in the world every waking hour without the O-face.

4) Beard
The most facial hair I've ever had was an eyelash stuck to my cheek. I want something clean cut, tidy like what Jewish men have when they're born.** I want strangers to reach for my face on the street and ask, "How?"

As of now, that's it.
Alright Santa, you're move.

"I have the power to turn you into Jay-Z,
but there is literally no way I could give
you a beard, pipe dreamer."

*I didn't even learn this word in college. i spent $160,000 to reference thesaurus.com

**Jews have superhuman follicle growth from the womb