Honest Christmas List

Christmas is just days away. When my family asked what I wanted I said only, "Pay some of my student loans." (Because why should I be held responsible for how much I spent on a inefficacious* education?)
But if I had to be honest with myself, this is my Christmas list:

1) A direction in life
Since graduating college all I've done is wonder if every decision I make is leading toward a penniless, unfulfilling future. I want fame, money, and media attention. Really I wish I was Jay-Z.

2) Car
Something small and modest. Or something for which I don't have to pay insurance. Literally anything other than public transportation. Though every bike I've owned has been stolen. Probability says I'd have the same luck with a car.

3) Perpetual, immaculate orgasm
No mess, just the best feeling in the world every waking hour without the O-face.

4) Beard
The most facial hair I've ever had was an eyelash stuck to my cheek. I want something clean cut, tidy like what Jewish men have when they're born.** I want strangers to reach for my face on the street and ask, "How?"

As of now, that's it.
Alright Santa, you're move.

"I have the power to turn you into Jay-Z,
but there is literally no way I could give
you a beard, pipe dreamer."

*I didn't even learn this word in college. i spent $160,000 to reference thesaurus.com

**Jews have superhuman follicle growth from the womb

Christmas Away From Home

I'm spending Christmas away from home for the first time to meet my girlfriends family.
The following is an interview I conducted with myself.

Did your mother cry when you told her you wouldn't be spending it with your family?
Not on the phone, but for all I know she wept for hours afterward.

Where will you sleep?
My girlfriend's answer: In my bed with me.
Her mom's answer: In her brother's room.
Her brother's answer: On the couch
My answer: I don't want to ruffle any feathers. I'll just sleep in the car.

What's the worst that could happen?
It's a tie between:
1) I'll get lost in the airport, miss my flight, and/or lose my luggage.
2) On first impression her parent's will hate me. I'll spend the next five days avoiding eye contact with them and physical contact with my girlfriend.
3) Her parents will think, "She was better off with her last boyfriend."

Did you buy her family gifts?
I'm certainly not gonna win them over with my looks and wit - but no. Not yet. Any ideas? Everyone loves liquor, right?

Will you have sex on this trip?
With my girlfriend? No way. I don't even want her parents thinking I have a dick to do that with. I'm so afraid of getting caught with an erection - what's the opposite of viagra? Pictures of Ron Jeremy? I'm going to wrap my dick in pictures of Ron Jeremy.

This is how disappointed her parents will look
when they find out I have a dick.

What are you looking forward to the most?
Can i be honest? Some sort of family blow up. One year my cousin told my uncle, a pastor, to go fuck himself over the rules of a Yankee Swap. Can you beat that?