Honest Christmas List

Christmas is just days away. When my family asked what I wanted I said only, "Pay some of my student loans." (Because why should I be held responsible for how much I spent on a inefficacious* education?)
But if I had to be honest with myself, this is my Christmas list:

1) A direction in life
Since graduating college all I've done is wonder if every decision I make is leading toward a penniless, unfulfilling future. I want fame, money, and media attention. Really I wish I was Jay-Z.

2) Car
Something small and modest. Or something for which I don't have to pay insurance. Literally anything other than public transportation. Though every bike I've owned has been stolen. Probability says I'd have the same luck with a car.

3) Perpetual, immaculate orgasm
No mess, just the best feeling in the world every waking hour without the O-face.

4) Beard
The most facial hair I've ever had was an eyelash stuck to my cheek. I want something clean cut, tidy like what Jewish men have when they're born.** I want strangers to reach for my face on the street and ask, "How?"

As of now, that's it.
Alright Santa, you're move.

"I have the power to turn you into Jay-Z,
but there is literally no way I could give
you a beard, pipe dreamer."

*I didn't even learn this word in college. i spent $160,000 to reference thesaurus.com

**Jews have superhuman follicle growth from the womb

Christmas Away From Home

I'm spending Christmas away from home for the first time to meet my girlfriends family.
The following is an interview I conducted with myself.

Did your mother cry when you told her you wouldn't be spending it with your family?
Not on the phone, but for all I know she wept for hours afterward.

Where will you sleep?
My girlfriend's answer: In my bed with me.
Her mom's answer: In her brother's room.
Her brother's answer: On the couch
My answer: I don't want to ruffle any feathers. I'll just sleep in the car.

What's the worst that could happen?
It's a tie between:
1) I'll get lost in the airport, miss my flight, and/or lose my luggage.
2) On first impression her parent's will hate me. I'll spend the next five days avoiding eye contact with them and physical contact with my girlfriend.
3) Her parents will think, "She was better off with her last boyfriend."

Did you buy her family gifts?
I'm certainly not gonna win them over with my looks and wit - but no. Not yet. Any ideas? Everyone loves liquor, right?

Will you have sex on this trip?
With my girlfriend? No way. I don't even want her parents thinking I have a dick to do that with. I'm so afraid of getting caught with an erection - what's the opposite of viagra? Pictures of Ron Jeremy? I'm going to wrap my dick in pictures of Ron Jeremy.

This is how disappointed her parents will look
when they find out I have a dick.

What are you looking forward to the most?
Can i be honest? Some sort of family blow up. One year my cousin told my uncle, a pastor, to go fuck himself over the rules of a Yankee Swap. Can you beat that?

Ghost of Nathan Past

There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Medway.

Medway's my hometown. It's small. It's slow like the South, but without any of the cordiality.

In any case, I have drawers full of shit in my room (which has been kept as is since I left for college.) I went through them seeing what I could throw out.

I found a number of ribbons from my days as a cub scout. I must have been a talentless kid because they're entirely menial. One of them just says "Participant". Like, "Fine, we'll admit he was here. But that's it."



"I did my best" just means "this kid's gonna cry if he doesn't get something."
I'll keep these.

Hottest Women by Generation

Everyone knows I'm not age bias when it comes to women. Half of my current crushes are on women over 29 with children. This is my list of hottest women by generation.

Emma Watson, 20 - I've created entire fantasies where we meet by chance, she falls in love with me and we grow old, happily monogamous. The worst part is I've crushed on her since the first Harry Potter movie, so she's like the hot popular girl in high school. All I can do is watch as she dates the cool upperclassmen and jerk it to her when I get home. Sigh.


Amy Adams, 35 - Firstly, she's a ginger. Secondly, she held her own along side Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Also, she's got those sexy legs.
(Honorable mention to Kate Winslet, 34, for being the first pair of breasts I saw. So really she's like my first love.)



Famke Janssen, 45 - There are more talented actresses, but this isn't a contest of skillz. Though she could put "Amazing body" on her resume and I'd hire her to be my personal fluffer. I know that's uncouth, but let's be honest, how many more good years does she have before she turns to plastic surgery? Better take it while it's hot.



Michelle Pfeiffer, 52 - She hasn't done much recently, but she gets a break for being in Scarface, Batman Returns, and I Am Sam. She's the only person I remember seeing on the Muppet Show when I was younger. I don't know why that's relevant.


Madelina Kahn, died at 57 - I'm cheating but she would be 68 if she were alive today. If you're attractive and funny you've won my heart for life. Also she sang. She's just my dream woman except for the dead part. I've never had that dream. That's more of a nightmare.

Really Populace?

Please, someone post a good caption for this image.

Really Facebook?

People who like Comedy also like Contemporary R & B?
It must be ironically.

Shut up, you do too.

I type elaborate text messages to girls then never send them.



I know you're thinking, why didn't he just tweet that? Well, I've become over zealous in my tweets. Also I think my obsession over social media is unhealthy and a desperate cry for attention.
Is it working?

Soar Like the Eagle

I'm searching through old files. I found my Eagle Scout acceptance "speech".
It's kind of sappy, a little sentimental. But you'll read it anyway.

Two years ago, if you asked me what the probability was of me getting Eagle Scout, I’d have said never. If you had asked me what I thought the probability was of me hooking up with Keira Knightley, I might’ve said a million to one. Now I’m an Eagle Scout, so Keira must be just outside.

A lot of people really didn’t believe I would make it, and I’m not saying I blame them. I’d like to say I achieved Eagle because I really wanted to prove to all the nay-sayers that I have what it takes. But if you knew how many times I had said “I don’t even want to be a Boy Scout” then you’d know that my intentions weren’t nearly as noble.

I’d like to stand here and say that becoming an Eagle Scout changed my life, but to be honest, I’m still the awkward, insecure, facial-hairless kid I have been since I started Boy Scouts.

In fact, I’m probably the worst Eagle Scout to have around. I can’t tie a bowline or a half hitch. I don’t know how to use a compass. And snakebites? If I didn’t see Samuel L. Jackson do it in Snakes on a Plane I’m not much help.

But even if I could tie knots, use a compass, and treat cobra bites, they aren’t why I’d be thankful to be an Eagle Scout. I’m thankful because, if nothing else, it shows I’m cared for. I mean let’s be honest, this badge isn’t wholly mine. It isn’t even half or a quarter mine. I received this badge because of all of the effort of everyone else in my life. Even though I didn’t think I wanted to be an Eagle, I’m glad I did. If I could, I’d cut it into 100 pieces and hand it out like the crown in the cheesy ending of Mean Girls. But I can’t, or if I did my parents would kill me.

I’m up here to thank everyone for all of their help and to let my parents know that even though I put up a fight, I don’t regret a minute of it.

Math Lesson

This graph illustrates inverse proportions.

Do you get it? The more drunk i becom teh les frunk i wesh i was

Laugh it up. It's low brow, but it's true.

This isn't the North End anymore

I once lived in the North End. It was miserable.
Now I live in Brookline. I'm tapping into my Hebrew heritage.
I could never be Jewish though. I'm uncircumcised. I love my hoodies. Wink.
Seriously. I love hoodies. The last one I bought was $42 from American Apparel. Because nothing's more American than overcharging for products.
And there's nothing more Jewish than complaining about it.